British | Irish/Indo-Guyanese
It took me a long time to understand how I should present myself. I have a ‘foreign’ name; Laxmi is an Indian Goddess and lots of people don’t know that and so I’m constantly asked ‘what does your name mean’, and especially, ‘why do you have that name?’. Once I’ve explained why I have an Indian name, people also want to know why there are Indian people in the Caribbean. So many people don’t know about indentured labour. I think it's crazy that growing up in England, it's hardly taught. Guyana was a British colony and no one knows. In the Netherlands, where I live now, the country has a very different relationship to its former colonies, like Suriname. Although a lot more can be done to really reflect on its history there. Moving to the Netherlands from the UK eight years ago allowed me to really tackle that, as it made me a default ‘foreigner’. I no longer feel different in my home country, because here I’m immediately different. This allowed me to also reclaim my identity.
I remember feeling I wasn't sure where I belonged. I felt different in the UK, but I looked different in Guyana. I’ve spent a lot of time trying to please people by either openly acknowledging my heritage right away, or hiding it. It can be frustrating when you decide to mention it right away in response to ‘why do you have that name’. I feel like I need to prove my mixedness. That’s tiring. On the other hand, people ask me right out: ‘where are your parents from?’. So, it’s like walking this fine line. I need to be less of a people pleaser and just be myself. Reclaiming my identity and being confident - no matter how the other person responds - definitely came with age.
The last time I cried was about work. I think our generation is having a reckoning moment with the working world. There are so many more important things to devote your time to. Love, family, passion. Luckily for me, my work can be my passion. I’m a writer and I love it. But it's not the only thing I have and I refuse to feel forced into spending my life behind a computer screen. No one on their deathbed ever wished that they had worked more.
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