Irish/English | Antiguan
My Dad’s Dad was from Antigua, and my Mum’s family is Irish and English. The first time I considered that mixed-race was even a thing was when my family moved from London to Devon when I was around nine years old. We had to fill out forms for the new school I was moving to, which asked for ethnicity and religion, and I vividly remember my Mum ticking the ‘mixed, White British and Afro Caribbean’ box and I had to ask her what that meant. Of course, I realised my Dad and Granddad had darker skin than the rest of my family, but I was never really told before this point what that meant for me, especially in a social context. I guess my biggest challenge has been more of an internal one. Now in my mid-twenties, I find myself reflecting on a youth that has been mainly conditioned by my Mother’s White Irish culture, which of course has had its benefits (a giant family!) but I now feel a massive gap in my sense of identity. I wish I knew more about my Caribbean heritage, and I regret not asking my Granddad more questions before he passed away. I’ve saved up to travel to Antigua this year, in the hope to find a deeper connection to him and the land that made him and subsequently, part of me. I think my mixed-race heritage has definitely forced me into a position of self-reflection and to take a brutal look at my own privilege, which I hope has made me a more open-minded and thoughtful person. It has also meant I’ve had more of a vested interest in exploring and understanding race politics in the UK and beyond, although it’s vital that everyone seeks out that information, regardless of ethnicity. I won’t deny that being White-passing has afforded me a certain kind of privilege and is probably why I was able to assimilate to my predominantly White primary school so easily. Besides a few uncomfortable comments, I’ve always felt I’ve been able to blend in easily although I do wonder what it would be like if my racial make-up was more obvious. If I were to be born again, I’d want to be exactly the same, I would have the time to ask my Granddad all the questions I have before it’s too late.
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