Dutch | Surinamese

Photo credit: Provided by subject

I identify as a Black feminist. My Dad was born in Surinam but moved with my Grandma and two Aunts to the Netherlands when he was 4. He hasn't been back to Surinam ever since. My Mom was born and raised in The Netherlands. They met in the Melkweg, a well-known club in Amsterdam. My Mom was dancing with her friend and my Dad, being the eccentric, he is, joined them. I can imagine my Mom being blown away, because my Dad has amazing moves.

My parents split up when I was 2 years old. I lived with my Mom but visited my Dad every other weekend. It was a world of difference; my Dad's girlfriend was Surinamese and therefore their household was always in Surinamese overflow; music wise, food wise and behaviour wise. My Mom's place was Dutch overflow, so I never felt like there was a combination of anything. Because I grew up at my Mom's, I was so used to all these Dutch habits, that I always felt like I had to adjust when I was at my Dad. It felt as if I could never really be me when spending time there, so I also felt like I wasn't ever 'Surinamese' enough. Which made me hesitant to accept that side of me.

I've become more aware of what it means to me to be a Black woman in a white world. I need to be with someone who can ultimately understand that. I cannot be with someone that does not 'see' colour. Because I am here, and I have this colour. So acknowledge that. I need to be seen for what I am, because I am so proud of it.

When I was younger, I always felt the need to straighten my hair, simply because I thought it was more beautiful. As a kid you never wonder why you think something is beautiful, it just is. After 7 years of straightening my hair, I noticed how unhealthy it was and I slowly started to return to my natural curls. Every day I started realizing more why I thought my hair 'should be straight and long' even though it wasn't. It took me years to accept that my hair wasn't ever going to accomplish the European standards and that I shouldn't want that either.

My Mom used to tell me stories about being pregnant in the streets of Amsterdam and walking alongside my Dad. People would give her nasty looks and say things about why she was stupid for having kids with a Black man. That baby was me they were talking about, I always thought. How could they judge something so pure and innocent? I think we've come a long way since then, but I think it's important to acknowledge the diversity instead of pretending it isn't there. My Mom and Dad never had 'the talk' with me about me being darker than the other kids. Which meant I had to find out for myself. That is something potentially very damaging. Today, more people will acknowledge this difference and talk about it.

Growing up in a broken family is hard, because your family is not one family. You have Dad's family and Mom's family and the dynamics within are super different. I've always found myself a different person around my Mom and around my Dad. It's both sides of me but adjusted accordingly. As you grow older, you try to combine these and figure out what is the real you, and what is 'adjusted situational behaviour.

I visited Suriname in 2015 with my Grandma, my big brother and my three cousins. Unfortunately my Dad couldn't join us due to his financial situation. Even though my Dad was born in Suriname, and I feel very connected to the people there. I also realize that my ancestors have been taken away from Africa. 

I think as a child you don't really pay attention to your identity. You know it's there, but there is no importance in it. I believe everyone is in their own journey to discover one-self and how much value you put on race. Everyone gives meaning to it differently, but I think you are likely to appreciate it more when you grow up.

I feel very accepted in my work environment, the people surrounding me are very open and accepting. I still believe that the company I work in is relatively White and cis, which I think is a pity. I'd love to see more different religions, cultures and genders around. I think my company is known for being tolerant towards gender and is outspoken about this too. We value diversity and authenticity, in the way we express ourselves in clothing/creativity. 

Being a woman of colour is the most precious thing I have ever been given in this life and I wouldn't trade it for the world. I would always want to return as a woman of colour.

During the times of coronavirus I think it's so important to understand that you will have bad days. And it's going to be more difficult, because you can't distract yourself as good as you usually could. But I think confrontation is the importance here. Let it be a bad day. Tomorrow might be bad as well, it might be better. Tell yourself that what you feel is valid, and you may cry. But this too shall pass.