Japanese | Trinidadian/Tobagonian

Photo credit: Austin Chernich

I am Japanese, Afro-Caribbean, American & Queer. My Mom is from Kagoshima, Tokyo and my Father while he is of Trinidadian and Tobagonian descent is from Brooklyn, New York. They met in Japan when my Dad was touring for music. 

Both of my parents have an artistic background, my Mother studied fashion and does studio art from time to time. My Father is a musician and also dabbles in visual art. They also are not afraid to eat different kinds of foods outside of their culture. I have friends from all over the world with various ethnicities, upbringings, and philosophies in life. However, many of them are biracial or at least multicultural. Whether they are the child of an immigrant, grew up moving around a lot, or just had parents like mine and were multiracial. Most of my partners have been mixed or racially ambiguous, because they understand the struggle too.

Growing up mixed is one identity crisis. Growing up mixed, not White at all, looking Black and being raised predominantly by your Japanese Mother was several layers of figuring out which took me until the end of my high school career. I don't have colored eyes, a small nose, or big Goldie-lock curls like many biracial Black girls who are White. While I was never insecure about the color of my skin I was about my very apparent Blackness in the tightness of my curls, the size of my nose, and dark Brown eyes especially because growing up many of my friends were Asian. Asian Americans have our own pain when it comes to racism and bigotry in America, which include the harmful model minority complex which assumes we are inherently good at STEM which discredits the hard work we put in and also negatively affects those who cannot perform to such heightened standards. I am Black. I am Asian. I am both and proud to be so, however culturally I am very much an Asian American. Not only did I deviate from the status quo of having the cultural capital of mainstream culture which is intertwined with White culture, but I lacked the cultural knowledge to fit in with the Black kids, and was never fully accepted as an Asian American even if I was more ingrained in Japanese culture than other Japanese kids who just happened to look like the ‘typical’ Asian. 

In middle and high school, I hid my hair under a scarf to hide my Blackness and also tried to take up less physical space to try to escape every stereotype about what it meant to be Black. I understand the problematic nature of fetishing another person outside of our race and understand how the intricacies of colorism, imperialism, racism, and other isms play a role in our ‘preferences’. That being said, as the product of most likely some combination of that, I am very proud of who I am and am thankful that my parents did meet. 

There is a lot of beauty in being in an interracial relationship if both of you are together because you just really vibe and not because you're trying to annoy your parents, or only wanting the end product of having a ‘mixed baby’. I honestly don't think I would have such a deep sense of self, compassion for other people, and fascination with the world around me if I didn’t grow up the way I have been. All of my relationships are interracial no matter what because I am biracial and its awesome! Our diversity makes us stronger.

I can eat any food from around the world and not get sick because of the diversity already within the food I was brought up on. I can talk to anyone and empathize with them because my upbringing has taught me to always think in many different languages. Simply from my unique face, it has opened the door to meeting people from random places who come up to talk to me and now we are friends. I have learned how to leverage being different to help me with my personal, academic, and career-oriented growth instead of being embarrassed about it.

The most interesting aspect about race or any sort of identity is the relativity of it. Although I am not Kenyan, when I visited the country, I was called a ‘White person’ or sometimes associated as ‘Chinese’ (close but not quite). In Japan, the concept of race does not really exist because people are usually labelled as ‘Japanese’ or ‘Other’, in which I was labelled as ‘other’. In America I would be labelled as Black from appearance. In Korea & Vietnam, I was mistaken as a native if my hair was in a certain way in the city and a foreigner in the country. I usually just accept I will be an outsider wherever I am but do have to admit it hurts the most when I go back to Japan because it is the culture I identify with the strongest.

I didn't really think about my Blackness growing up nor felt very prideful about it. My Mother did everything on her end to raise me the best she could but there was so much she could do simply just because she is not Black and I had to learn from my own experiences. I have always had a strong identity in being Asian but didn't feel comfortable expressing it because I knew many of my peers would not accept it. As a child I would identify as biracial, saying Japanese first but now after a decade of self-reflection proudly identify as biracial, and just as Japanese and Black as anyone who is monoracial. My ethnicity is not a math equation and cannot be quantified into a genetic percentage. 

Too many times have I still had to click the ‘other’ box or ‘multiracial’ box without being able to list my identities. Being mixed is not a monolith, the experiences and racial make-up of each mixed person is starkly different which should be treated as so. Being mixed, I know the privilege I have of not suffering the extremes of racism on both sides. I know that I won't get attacked on the streets because some idiot decided they liked the name ‘Kung-Flu’ instead of COVID-19 and I know that my light skinned makeup automatically gives me a leg up in benefiting from colorism in the Black community. However, percentage signs need to leave the conversation when another person decides that I am not ‘Black enough’ or ‘Asian enough’ when I know I am plenty. 

I believe as a queer woman, a pattern I see from men and women alike is not taking non-straight relationships seriously. Also that my liking of women is somehow to please the male gaze when I just happen to like her because I like her.

If I had the opportunity to be reborn, I would return the same. Maybe with longer hair and a bit richer.

During the pandemic I set specific times to be on social media and have come to terms with my productivity slowing down. I have been juicing every day, calling my friends, staying busy with projects, and bike riding to continue staying motivated and inspired. This quarantine, I am writing a book Werk Your Net which focuses on helping underrepresented students learn how to build their network, researching sustainable solutions for Columbia, and writing a film score.

While I know we are far from where we need to be, I was so inspired to see Japan for the first time in my life to have a protest for Black lives. The protests have made me more cognizant of the lack of immediate danger I face as a light skinned biracial girl with the safety cushion of having an Ivy League education.