British | Pakistani/Indian
I’m not sure my parents were prepared for me as a mixed-race first-born but I know it was hard. I have love and respect for how they bring together our whole family. Relationships are a minefield for any teen but I think being mixed, Brown, Muslim, and feeling lost certainly complicated things. Race and culture shaped my self-worth, my body image, and my approach to relationships in ways I’m still unpicking.
As a teen, I didn’t hide my identity; I rejected it. Being caught between racism and horizontal hostility on top of life’s ups and downs, I acted up a lot. The knock-on impacts of race-based traumatic stress caused our whole family a lot of despair. It still impacts our physical wellbeing as well as our mental health. I dread to think the damage is irreparable.
Racism was easier to identify. My identity was rejected in ‘monoracial’ spaces both Brown and White. Choosing between absolute binaries of British, White, Indian, Pakistani, Muslim, and Brown only to repeatedly land in a no-win situation pushed my sense of ownership over my ‘self’ to a precarious precipice. I was ‘inadequate’ and silenced, misheard, or dismissed. I felt resentful that others didn’t have to question their existence: while I was trying to claim ownership over myself, others could invest time and resources in themselves, cultivate hobbies, and practice self-care.
Our family endured a lot through what happened to me as the eldest. I question if it was inevitable. Whether it could have been averted if I’d never been, whether my existence as a firstborn with my heritage was a mistake. It's distressing to consider the all-consuming havoc racism wreaked across my family; with my Mum; us, her kids; my wider family. And my Dad, too. Being mixed has had repercussions for our health and wellbeing. It is hard to question whether you should exist.
While I wish I hadn't had to be strong, I acknowledge that negative experiences can sometimes bring out positive attributes. And, if we weren't mixed, our family would have missed out on memories and experiences none of us would trade for anything.
I’m working with a publisher to produce a cookbook-memoir:
“My grandmother and her siblings were originally from Uttar Pradesh but lived in other parts of India and, eventually, Pakistan. I have aunts who’ve lived everywhere from Punjab to Uganda. My cousins have all spent at least some of their adolescence in parts of the North and Northwest of England. My siblings and I have, too, however none of my siblings have visited Pakistan.
Through recipes and anecdotes from different family members, the collection will hopefully convey a fuller, more whole, and more representative account of my family members’ mixed-heritage experiences, living and coming of age across various parts of England after they, their parents, or grandparents migrated from different parts of India and Pakistan.”
The account (@qayyahcooks) is where I'm teasing some of the recipes I'll possibly be including in the cookbook
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